Recently I had a meeting with a potential client. While we were chatting about what I might be able to do for them, they asked for help on identifying funding sources. I immediately panicked.
‘I have to tell you right now that I’m totally the wrong person for this. I have never in my life submitted a funding application and I have no idea how it works and I have no contacts and you really could get someone far better than me to do this.’
So we moved on to the next item on their list. A bit later in the same meeting, I found myself talking about the Digital Development Fund; Xenos; Indycube Ventures; Finance Wales, Jobs Growth Wales, when I became aware of the client looking at me, confused.
‘I thought you said you didn’t know anything about funding? You’ve just mentioned a whole bunch of stuff that sounds like funding to me…’
YAY there’s nothing like looking like a muppet when you are trying to persuade someone to pay actual cash for your skills!
And then a couple of weeks ago, I had to pop in to see a director at work about something.
‘Ah come in, can you close the door a minute’ says she.
‘Close the door? CLOSE THE DOOR? I’m gonna get fired, I’m gonna get fired, I’m gonna get fired’ says my brain.
It turns out that this is not a conversation about getting fired, but a conversation about a possible leadership training scheme and an increase in hours and best of all, the chance to work on an absolutely AMAZING project.
Only I was so convinced I was going to get fired that it took my brain a while to catch up and I suspect I managed to witter incoherently just enough to mess up any good impression I might have inadvertently formed. Muppet, again.
I’ve always been inclined to doubt myself whilst apparently giving off an air of cockiness and confidence; but I do feel that this internal failure monologue is getting stronger as I get older. My natural reaction is to take on more stuff and set myself more goals to prove to myself I suppose that I can be the best at something – anything. Whilst my rational head can see the futility of this, my muppet head just keeps urging me onwards. I’m actually considering an ultra marathon at the moment – that’s 50 miles – for no other reason except that I feel like I should be able to do it.
I’ve read enough to know that this isn’t an unusual form of self torture – in fact, it even has a name, Impostor Syndrome – also known as the fear of being found out. Apparently 70% of people suffer from it at some point in their lives; it’s a hallmark of high achievers, and it appears to be more common in women than men though as this article points out this may be down to the fact that us ladies are better at admitting it. But giving it a name doesn’t detract from its insidious effects. Hell, do you know what I am thinking RIGHT NOW?
I’m thinking that I can’t possibly suffer from impostor syndrome because I’m not actually a high enough achiever; instead I should probably just get used to the fact that I’m actually a muppet and prepare myself for when the world inevitably finds out.
FFS! I’m actually getting kind of bored with myself here. I mean I’m forty flipping two, and isn’t your forties when life is all supposed to come together and make sense and you’re supposed to finally be comfortable with yourself? Yet here I am impostorising and fear-of-being-foundouting more than ever. I know that I need to get a grip on it or I’ll actually end up talking myself out of opportunities as I’ve so nearly done twice in the last month.
I’m going to assume that at least some people reading this post can relate to some of this (that is if I can get past the voice in my head telling me that nobody will still be reading this far down) and send out a plea for help…If you have any suggestions for managing this, or know of any good books or resources out there, please do comment below or message me privately. And I will read, review, and not only cure myself of this dastardly condition but will also announce THE definitive cure, and make it free for everyone, and become a world renowned authority on the subject, and win awards, all without apparent effort.
Oh dear. I really, REALLY, need those suggestions.
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Sounds like you need to have more confidence in yourself! But as for the babbling, oh I know so well about that! I have a tendency to do the same. Hope everything goes well x
Kirsty Hijacked By Twins recently posted…2nd June – 8th June 2014 – One Picture Everyday For One Year
I do exactly the same. I doubt myself constantly. Congrats on the leadership scheme! x
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Congratulations on the project and I hope it all goes well for you. We just all need more confidence in our own abilities and see what others see sometimes x
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I understand this and I have to say it has become more and more part of my life. I wonder if having children is linked to my lack of self confidence in myself when working
Jen aka The Mad House recently posted…What does Daddy want for Fathers Day?
Well done on the job offer and I suffer from this too. I think a lot of people do and I really need to find a way to overcome it!
Kizzy recently posted…Have an ‘Appy Summer
never underestimate yourself or best not to admit that you dont know something, at least i wouldnt do, we are always in one way or another trying to sell ourselves and when we mention we dont know this or this will put clients off
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weldone you on the offer, i seem to have lost all my confidence in the past couple of years mainly down to less social interaction and having more children with less time to see outside of the household x
Well done on your work projects. I think you have to try and increase your self confidence and realise just how capable you obviously are x
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Sounds like a great opportunity at work, well done! Sorry I have no advice on the confidence issue, I’m really not the best person to ask.
Jenny recently posted…Gruffalo activity trail at Wendover Woods
I can relate to this, and I think in some ways it’s a self esteem issue.
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When we’re put on the spot it’s easy to think I don’t know x, y, z – I do it all the time, and then realise, actually I do know that stuff >_< I do tend to set myself unrealistic goals from time to time and seem to be chasing to finish things I started… I reckon I have a bit of this IS too…
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I always doubt myself – I didn’t realise there was actually a name for it though! Have more confidence in yourself! 😀
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Congratulations on this project 🙂
Hannah Staveley recently posted…Happy 2nd Birthday Alfie
self doubt is so annoying isn’t it. I often get it at the most inappropriate moments but it helps to think most people must feel the same way from time to time! x
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I’ve been nodding in agreement all the way through this, self doubt is such a chain round my neck, I need to shake it off somehow.
Congratulations on the scheme, sounds like a brilliant opportunity
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I Know what you mean, chin up – try and totally believe in yourself x
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I can really identify with what you’ve described. And I have a dreadful habit of torturing myself later on by replaying every conversation I’ve had during the day to see whether I’ve said the right thing. Together, they’re a winning combination. Well done on the leadership opportunity though. You must be doing something right! 🙂
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I know what you mean. I was a bit like this when I was working!! Believe in yourself more!
Well done on the project!
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Really good read, I didn’t get bored with you! I think I get imposter syndrome too, I’m glad it has a title as I thought I was losing the plot
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Wow, i constantly fear it will be discovred how little i really know at work, and i’m just being humoured….imposter syndrome…….rolling it around my tongue….you def not alone!!
I had no idea they actually had a name for these feelings of self-doubt! Good to know I do not stand alone 🙂
VaiChin @Rambling Through Parenthood recently posted…The Ideal Home Show, Manchester 2014
Sounds like you just need a bit more belief in yourself – you’re clearly doing well so you just need to believe it x x
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Congratulations on the project 🙂 I’ve never heard of impostor syndrome. You learn something new everyday!
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Sounds like you have a lot more confidence than you thought. well done on the job. Interesting post x
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I think we all suffer from it… some of us maybe more than others but you are not alone… just keep believing in yourself and you can do it… you can do it all!
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I think if you read that post back you’ll realise you are in fact pretty awesome!
Just need to believe in yourself! Easier said than done eh.
Excellent news on the work front, and as for the ultra – go you!!!
Huge congratulations – it sounds like you need a little more faith in yourself you can do it! x
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