I have been trying to kick back a bit at home lately, and not be constantly rushing around doing chores and admin. It’s all part of my trying not to sweat the small stuff, and generally trying to be a more chilled out and less stressy person to be around.
There’s been some good things about this – for example I have learnt that the world does not stop if I do not empty the dishwasher the minute it finishes. (It does stop, a tiny bit, if the dirty dishes are not put in the dishwasher the minute the meal is over, but hey – small steps and all that.)
But one thing that is definitely NOT good about all this flipping chilling out is the vastly increased opportunities this gives my kids, big and small, to use me as some sort of human climbing frame. I mean what is with this constant bloody mauling? I cannot sit down anywhere, for one SECOND, without someone clambering all over me. I don’t mean coming for cuddles – I cherish the cuddling – it’s one of the best things about being a Mum. No, what I mean is the pulling at my hair ‘to see if it will get longer’, the fiddling with my earrings, the climbing on to my shoulders, the poking at my tummy to see if there is another baby in there (THERE IS EFFING WELL NOT), the sliding down my legs and demanding ‘giddy up horsey’. If I happen to have the laptop, or the iPad, yes, those things that I saved up for, for bloody ages, and which, might I remind everyone in this family, are actually MINE, then without a shadow of a doubt there will be a head pushing its way under my arm or over my shoulder to see what I am doing, and if I am not doing it quick enough, then a hand swiping at the screen ‘to help, because I know how to do it quicker than you, because you’re quite old’ – yeah, THANKS.
Sometimes I wonder if there is some sort of magnetic force field around me. It does not matter how happily ensconced and absorbed they are, the nanosecond that my tired backside comes within an inch of a seat of any description (yes, this does include the loo seat – note to self – BUY LOCK)…as I was saying, my ass, a sitting device, line ’em up and it’s like one of those reversing sensors go off on my kids’ heads. BEEEEP she’s lowering herself BIPBIPBIP oh no, false alarm, she forgot her beer, BEEEP she’s back BEEEP it looks like we’ll have docking this time without any further hitches, BEEEEP she’s braced for impact BEEEEPBEEEPBEEEP and she’s down! And not one second after the P of the final BEEEP and they all appear, literally from nowhere, they just come out of the walls or something, ready for some pawing/pulling/poking action on whatever part of me they get to first. FFS.
This grates a bit, as the day goes on. Sometimes I get to the evening and I feel that if I come into physical contact with one more living creature, that I might actually implode. This is bad news for the cat, who waits till they’re all in bed before slinking in and demanding fuss from me; it’s also bad news for the Husband, though at least they can console each other whilst shooting hurt and mournful looks at me. As long as they are doing it from the other side of the room, that’s just fine. Get any closer and I might get violent.
Is it just my kids? Do they grow out of it?? Or should I resign myself to the fact that nothing, NOTHING, not even my elbows FFS, are mine any more?